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Friday, July 11

Nicknames and Being My True Self


For the first time ever, I have a nickname other than abbreviations of my name, like Em or Emi. My co-workers gave it to me. It's Bossy Sauce. 

It's completely ridiculous. Here's how it happened: One of my female co-workers was telling about the Sheryl Sandburg initiative #banbossy, intended to empower girls by not calling them "bossy," but instead "strong-willed," "leaders," etc. I pulled the website up on my computer, and at the same time, one of the IT guys remotely connected to it to fix an issue I'd been having. The #banbossy campaign had the opposite effect for me - because of it, people started calling me bossy. And "sauce," well, I have no idea. You'd have to ask Kyle.

But the nickname has stuck. It stuck, because it fit. 

I feel like my job requires me to do impossible things on a regular basis. Not exactly "impossible," but beyond my skill set and comfort level. In order to do what needs to be done, I've adopted a sort of confident persona. I don't like taking charge, but things have to get done. Bossy Sauce makes things happen.

In May, we visited family in Iowa for a week, and while there, I realized how much I'd changed. I felt a tension between wanting to act and think like my high school self, quiet, being a wallflower in conversations, and in general, blending in. But I knew that wasn't who I was any more. Or was I? 

Was the confident version of myself just a cover up, or was it always there, deep down?

Why is it that I can stand up for myself at work, but not in other contexts?

I really thought I finally knew myself well. And then I changed.

And that's why I want to blog. Since I have a full time job, the pressure to grow a following and gain sponsors is off, and I can just blog for myself again. 

It's just difficult, when you have a full time job, that lately has required working 70ish hours a week. 

Even though my work involves lots of writing, I need to blog here still. Because this is where my true voice is. Blogging here feels like being my true self.

It feels good to be back.